I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't deserve a penis
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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