someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
