The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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