Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
