All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im six kinds of drunk right now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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