i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you never un-have a 4some
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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