I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
