Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
