Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just found puke in my bra..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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