My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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