hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
