Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
