i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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