I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
