i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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