While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
