He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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