I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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