got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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