I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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