I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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