Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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