I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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