I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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