I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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