i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
