I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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