I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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