I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
