Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
