I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
