i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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