she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize