i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
