I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize