dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
