...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
