My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
