fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize