I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
