Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
