Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize