my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
