Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
