I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
