i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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