I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
