i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
