**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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