So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
