dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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