I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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