this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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