i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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