Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
