So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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