id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
