an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
