Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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