Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize