Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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