my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
