life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
My balls are so social today.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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