Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
