Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
